Wednesday, January 23, 2008

i am so bored

I am so bored (Part I)

I am so bored that I chopped off my own head with your slight overbite
when I saw you in Wal-Mart checking out 3-packs of white Hanes t-shirts.
I am so bored that I grew a goatee shaped like the NBC logo.
I am so bored that I bought a pet velociraptor at the mall but it died
because it was malnourished and diseased.
I am so bored that I married a bottle of expired Robitussin.
I am so bored that I converted a sad ant to Islam.
I am so bored that I wrote a letter to Dog the bounty hunter
requesting that he immediately mail me a lei.
I am so bored that I notarized an ant lion.
I am so bored that I filled my bathtub with Mad Dog 20/20 and drowned
my Robitussin wife in it.
I am so bored that I outsourced my boredom to a middle-class Peruvian.
I am so bored that I broiled an iPhone.
I am so bored that I made a Microsoft Excel spreadsheet and pie charts
for the amount of boredom in the United States over a period of 20 years.
I am so bored that I mailed a tarantula named Bill Gates to Mitt Romney's
campaign headquarters.
I am so bored that I e-mailed you a soda but you must have given me a fake e-mail.
I am so bored that I went to a high school and pretended to be a confused substitute
teacher and excused myself profusely.
I am so bored that I grew a second head that grew a beard and quotes Noam Chomsky to strangers.
I am so bored that I adopted an incontinent newt.
I am so bored that I grew a hat.
I am so bored that I lost an underwater wrestling match.
I am so bored that I carpentered a table using pilfered Audis.

1 comment:

Alex said...

i really really like this.