Tuesday, March 4, 2008

FREE CHAPBOOK BY ALEX BURFORD AND BRYAN COFFELT

IF YOU READ THIS YOU OWE US A MILLION DOLLARS, AIGHT?

BY BRYAN COFFELT AND ALEX BURFORD

1.

Looks like no matter how many
Lohan nipple slips or Spears
custody fiascos this country
endures we shall continually
put O.J. Simpson behind bars
made out of Alvin & The Chipmunks'
box office receipts.

2.

How to finagle a corpse
Or
rid disease in a squirrel.
Merely finger two cans
of pickled lisps till hard
crust melts. Know now,
nothing will ever taste like
gold sun pudding. Unless
you get to see Brittney's
cavern of souls.

3.

How to cauterize an apricot
Or
How to lighten the mood
in a room full of ex-lovers.
You just divide a stir-fried
season of The Gilmore Girls
into six equal parts and
serve it with a choice of
mayonnaise, ketchup, or
A-1.

4.

We know a tired old
woman with no hair
who drank bottled apples
and held mirrors to
one another. mostly
she died and found the
air more fitting. i heard
her cats ate her in the night.

5.

I made a recyclable
Humvee out of Blackwater
employees and Campbell's
soup lids and then I shipped
it to Iraq to see how it would
hold up under heavy winds
and borderline NPR news
reports that mostly just
determined where to invest
my thousand dollar cleaning
deposit.

6.

I made bleach while
juggling my toddler
& tazing his white
little teeth & I
kept telling him
how straight
they were

7.

I smoked Tic Tacs
from a crack pipe.
I trained my puppy
to be closed captioned
for the hearing impaired.
I limped quietly to my doom.

8.

Mother Superior only trips
on the finest vinyl floor,
which being bought from
hardcore little people,
shall remain silent, like
the lone call of DOG the
BOUNTYHUNTER

9.

A chocolate chip cookie
is made out of butter
and meteors and if you'd like
there is some punch in the
back room made out of
quasars and DIRECTV.

10.

I think Paris is the
place to be; crawl on
in; this is no asteroid!
everything here is dusty;
or wet; get me out of here;
Lindsay has boots to match.

11.

Don't think of a
room full of corndogs.
Don't think of a BMW
full of corndogs.
Don't think of the Radisson
full of corndogs.

12.

I found New York; to
be several dozen penis's
in a room; stacked one
on top of the other;
forever

13.

The ocean is made out
of Techron, Ron, and
the San Francisco skyline
looks like two yuppy couples
trading wives.

14.

Drill me softly while
my BMW gently dries
and eats dirt for breathing;
my terrier fits in a brush
and makes poopsy-
woopsy on the baby;
sleeping in the crib.

15.

The daily drudgery
at the GAP scooping
at v-neck sweaters
crusted with the blood
of a thousand hot ass
Thais. I am doing this
for you, honey.

16.

O poor little west
indian wet $eal$;
send me money
for hot a$$ prayer$;
jesus make hot $alad
to$$ for YOU!@

17.

My hotdog flavored angina
is swimming in lotsa Ovaltine,
PLEASE? These circuitous
maneuvers our blood vessels
make. This Indy 500 of blood.

18.

Mississippi River chugged
twelve beers; like tang
taste on fish tongues;
rollin', rollin', rollin';
what? We still find
unbrutalized beers on
the tresses; shit!

19.

Lay down Sally I
dig hole for you
I dig HOLE!! My
name is Spam
sushi. You can
call me Al.

20.

My bread father; spent
12 dollars in prison to
find; america taking shit
old toilet by river; with no
jeans to speak; who
is in charge here?

21.

You can make $11111
Lick Trout! Smell Canada's
pharmacy. Do you need
catering for your Viagra
bathroom stall install
Home Depot $44 gift
card for liquid Valium?

22.

Happy lined fish treats
and ; bad new books
on loan; know you some
good; fish? I can smell
hot hot trout in you book bag

23.

Kitty corner adult Bangladesh
pillow talk. Glory wall! Glory opportunity!
God's undying love for glory
hole girls. God's undying Xanax
philanthropy. Cannibus tranquilizer.

24.

Exact philanthropic revenge
New cousins; old hole
Holed in comic victory
No more tandem horny
Cousins in your way
Find glory new
Holes & holes & holes

25.

pilsner ecommerce luncheon
lesbian pizza glory hole
market clinton reducer
prizefighting wine
superman

26.

Split hand & chingy
SOoup $$$
You flow me
I see your hair
Net that shit

27.

paid for amigos
licensed werewolf
slayers and spaghetti
shaped hearts drive
me craaaaaazy?

6 comments:

Mike Young said...

27 stanzas of epic glory! Cheers be upon you!

Willie Ziebell said...

HOSHIT. I hope you take installments.

Alex said...

YEAH!!

WE MADE, LIKE, 2 MILLION DOLLARS, MAN!

Bryan said...

we are totally rich now.

A.S. Galvan said...

payment plan, please.

Bryan said...

You all owe us so much money.

You can pay us in Darkness.